Etiquette for Guests
Some
people receive piles of invitations; other, few or none. Being the
perfect guest, the one people love to have over for all occasions
from intimate family gatherings to major social events, means
following some basic rules. Etiquette is not some outdated code.
Manners are not an old-fashioned snobbish affectation but a good
roadmap to courteous behaviour. First off, an invitation should not be treated like a chore. Good guests never inflict their troubles or fatigue on others, but are always sociable, considerate and amusing.
Hostess gifts (or host gifts these days) have a long and honourable tradition. In olden days, guests often brought food and were sometimes told not to bring anything. But thoughtful little gifts have always been appreciated.
Flowers — An extremely thoughtful
guest will have them delivered beforehand, giving the hostess time
to find just the right vase and arrange the bouquet. When bringing
flowers in person, choose a small nosegay or a potted plant rather
than a big bouquet requiring a large vase.
b— Should it be served or can it be kept for another
time. Usually, the host has already carefully selected wines to
accompany the meal. So don't be offended if he doesn't serve your
wine, however exquisite it may be. Besides, a wine that's been
shaken up in transit needs to rest to develop its bouquet and
lukewarm champagne is a waste. If you absolutely insist on bringing
wine, let the hostess know in advance. On the other hand, sweet,
subtly flavoured aperitifs are in vogue and can make an interesting
start to a lovely evening.
Treats — A beautiful box of chocolates or gourmet products like a fine olive oil, balsamic vinegar, spices or condiments are always appreciated. But a homemade cake might not go with the hostess's menu. If you know her well, feel free to ask her what she'd like.
Potpourri, a best-selling book, CD or video, whatever your gift, offer it to your hostess discretely at the door. Making a big show of it would be in poor taste — especially if other guests didn't bring a gift.
When invited for dinner, be punctual making allowances for traffic jams and problems finding a parking spot. Arriving early or calling at the last minute for directions are unforgivable; the host or hostess is dashing around seeing to a hundred and one last-minute details. Being ten to fifteen minutes late is acceptable, but any later than that shows a lack of consideration. Above all, never cancel at the last minute, except in a dire emergency.
In the Middle Ages, the Church frowned on the use of forks. Only a man's God-given fingers were good enough to carry nature's bounty to his mouth. The various eating utensils and etiquette rules covering their use come to us from the 19th century bourgeoisie. And they still hold even if we're at the dawn of a new millennium. In spite of the modern-day proliferation of courses and accessories and studied informality that make for more relaxed dining, some basic rules still apply... those that were drummed into our heads when we were children!
- Sit straight at table, neither too far back in the chair nor leaning on the table. Keep elbows off the table. Napkins are not tucked into one's collar.
- Chat with the people seated on either side of you without monopolizing either one. Never shout down to a guest at the other end of the table.
- Never refuse a dish, even one you dislike. Serve yourself just a little and take a few bites.
- If you have severe food allergies, discretely inform the hostess and politely refuse her offer to prepare another dish, just have more of the previous dish or the following one.
- Diets are not a suitable subject for table conversation.
- Never take the biggest pieces or two servings. Wait until the dish comes round again.
- Finish your plate, gently pushing the remains to the side.
- No matter how good the sauce or gravy, do not sop it up with a piece of bread!
- Remove the rind from cheese with a knife. Cut a small piece and eat it on a bit of bread or with a fork.
- Never empty your glass in one swallow.
You’ve spilled wine on the tablecloth or rug, dropped a vase or broken an ornament, or burned a hole in the chair with your cigarette. The damage is done. Apologize profusely but don’t keep talking about it all night. Help your host clean up the mess: wiping up the spill, picking up broken glass, etc. Offer to replace the object, pay cleaning costs. The following day, send flowers with your apologies and beg for forgiveness.
Don’t smoke in the home of non-smokers, and their
numbers are growing. Never light up during the meal; it would spoil
the food and wine being served. If possible, forgo smoking after
dinner or ask permission. And respect the unspoken wishes behind a
reluctant “yes”.
Don't leave too early; it often breaks up the party. Thank your host and hostess warmly but don't dally in the hall or at the door. Remember, you're not the only guest.
You've been invited over for drinks. – After the second drink, it's time to leave. You were only offered a single drink? Don't ask for another and stay an hour at most.
A meal – To eat and run is incredibly rude. If for some reason you are forced to do just that, leave as discretely as possible so as not to break the mood. Overstaying your welcome is just as rude. Don't wait for your host to nod off or your hostess to start cleaning up in the kitchen before taking your leave.
If you're dining with friends, offer to help clear the table. Never just start picking up dirty dishes. Some people hate having others rummaging about in their kitchen, especially when it's topsy-turvy after a meal.
It's normally proper to take one's leave an hour after the end of the meal, provided it wasn't a long drawn-out affair. Very often, people have to work the next day or have planned other activities. Common sense is a good guide.
Finally, if you are the last one, don't stay more than five minutes after the others have left.
A thank you call is a nice gesture. And remember to reciprocate. After all, one invitation leads to another!
Table manners and etiquette